I’ve been on the phone to the solar system and it has a LOT to say about you!
You’ll find your sex drive is apt to be overwhelming today, you may find strangers stirring your sexual urges and suppressing urges emits negative energy. Venus is going to align with Uranus weather you like it or not and besides, if she didn’t want to get raped, maybe she shouldn’t have smiled at you.
To suppress hunger is to suppress happiness, Taurus. Life is fleeting and you only live it once as a human, then you are reborn as a semi precious stone. Stones cannot eat, so enjoy your life as a human as much as you can, so treat yourself, life is short and Big Macs are delicious.
Tip: You’ll lose weight quicker taking ecstasy and smoking cigarettes faster then any diet, trust us.
You may or may not meet the partner of your dreams this week, it may or may not happen in a public place and it may or may not end in marriage.
It’s no joke.
Give it one more week before going to the doctor, it’s probably nothing.
Write your will and bid your loved ones farewell, the stars have aligned unfavorably for you Virgo. There’s a good chance you’re going to be hit by a woman driver.
You’ll consider watching the movie Groundhog Day again, it’s a good movie and you enjoy the works of Bill Murray.
It has been over a year now, maybe two and it is probably the right time, but you don’t want to watch it prematurely and find yourself over familiar with the plot. You may want to settle for Lost in Translation instead, that is always a good choice.
In hind sight, maybe those were the droids you were looking for…
Wash your genitals, you might get lucky this week…
Is your wife still not putting out? Of cause she’s not, she’s a total Pisces bitch. That prostitute on the way back from work is starting to look mighty tempting isn’t she?
The stars won’t judge you and the moon has turned a blind eye, go for it.
It’s the dawning of the age of Aquarius. That’s probably a good thing.
At this point I’m really bored of this, if you take the horoscope seriously then no amount of vague advice from the solar system is going to help you. Get yourself together!