{"id":54,"date":"2011-04-01T01:03:18","date_gmt":"2011-04-01T01:03:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/?p=54"},"modified":"2011-04-01T01:28:58","modified_gmt":"2011-04-01T01:28:58","slug":"mystic-sharkys-weekly-horoscope","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/?p=54","title":{"rendered":"Mystic Sharkys Weekly Horoscope!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I’ve been on the phone to the solar system and it has a LOT to say about you!<\/p>\n

Aries-<\/strong>
\nYou\u2019ll find your sex drive is apt to be overwhelming today, you may find strangers stirring your sexual urges and suppressing urges emits negative energy. Venus is going to align with Uranus weather you like it or not and besides, if she didn\u2019t want to get raped, maybe she shouldn\u2019t have smiled at you.<\/p>\n

Taurus-<\/strong>
\nTo suppress hunger is to suppress happiness, Taurus. Life is fleeting and you only live it once as a human, then you are reborn as a semi precious stone. Stones cannot eat, so enjoy your life as a human as much as you can, so treat yourself, life is short and Big Macs are delicious.
\nTip: You\u2019ll lose weight quicker taking ecstasy and smoking cigarettes faster then any diet, trust us.<\/p>\n

Gemini-<\/strong>
\nYou may or may not meet the partner of your dreams this week, it may or may not happen in a public place and it may or may not end in marriage.<\/p>\n

Cancer-<\/strong>
\nIt\u2019s no joke.<\/p>\n

Leo-<\/strong>
\nGive it one more week before going to the doctor, it\u2019s probably nothing.<\/p>\n

Virgo-<\/strong>
\nWrite your will and bid your loved ones farewell, the stars have aligned unfavorably for you Virgo. There\u2019s a good chance you\u2019re going to be hit by a woman driver.<\/p>\n

Libra-<\/strong>
\nYou\u2019ll consider watching the movie Groundhog Day again, it\u2019s a good movie and you enjoy the works of Bill Murray.
\n It has been over a year now, maybe two and it is probably the right time, but you don\u2019t want to watch it prematurely and find yourself over familiar with the plot. You may want to settle for Lost in Translation instead, that is always a good choice.<\/p>\n

Scorpio-<\/strong>
\nIn hind sight, maybe those were the droids you were looking for\u2026<\/p>\n

Sagittarius-<\/strong>
\nWash your genitals, you might get lucky this week\u2026<\/p>\n

Capri sun-<\/strong>
\nIs your wife still not putting out? Of cause she\u2019s not, she\u2019s a total Pisces bitch. That prostitute on the way back from work is starting to look mighty tempting isn\u2019t she?
\nThe stars won\u2019t judge you and the moon has turned a blind eye, go for it.<\/p>\n

Aquarius-<\/strong>
\nIt\u2019s the dawning of the age of Aquarius. That\u2019s probably a good thing.<\/p>\n

Pisces-<\/strong>
\nAt this point I\u2019m really bored of this, if you take the horoscope seriously then no amount of vague advice from the solar system is going to help you. Get yourself together!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve been on the phone to the solar system and it has a LOT to say about you!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-54","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mystic-sharkys-horoscope"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=54"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":58,"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54\/revisions\/58"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=54"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=54"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/themafia.segabits.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=54"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}